Parenting in a time of supposed-to-make-it-easy-scripts on social media and where they fall short.
Nobody will argue that parenting is both joyous and exhausting. Most parents tell me they love their child unconditionally, and yet there are such frustrating and defeating moments as well. This is normal and human. You can have both the unconditional love, joy, the overstimulation, the misunderstanding, the short temper, and so much more. These pieces coexist because you love your child unconditionally and stick it out with them.
The parent-child dynamic is different than any other relationship and many parents want to bring research into their parenting context. We have a generation of young children in front of us that have parents with access to research for the first time ever - a gift to have resources. At the same time, this privilege lends itself to increased social pressures on parents to be “perfect.”
When COVID hit two years ago, therapists swarmed to the internet to help. We gathered in a time a great need and built community to keep creativity and hope alive for our children. And then something interesting happened…. Support and community turned into sales pitches for behavioral one-size-fits-all parenting scripts.
Everyone wants a quick fix.
This sounds amazing & I’ll have one too!
But let’s take a moment here and consider what is effective and what is great psychoeducation without appropriate follow up.
What creates change in the body? What allows for learning and growth?
Psychoeducation
Behavioral learning (practice)
Live coaching and feedback for skill integration
Consistent support
The secret to what I do as a therapist is live feedback parent training. Most evidence-based parent training models have some use of live coaching with the parent and child dyad. The live feedback allows for integration of intellectual knowledge (information) into the parenting dynamic through physical practice of a new skill. It literally lets the brain learn HOW to implement a new skill, not just WHAT to do.
Think of it as a sport, your best coach was someone who encouraged you and told you exactly what you did well (Labeled Praise), described you when moving the right way (behavior description) and gave clear feedback on what skill to improve (goals). To become a great athlete, it takes many years of practice to master the movement and physical nature of a sport. Parenting is the same. Nobody is great overnight, and it takes live feedback coaching in the parent-child interaction to allow for skill integration. The live feedback teaches a parent how to be the best parent coach for their child in the most tailored to the family way possible.
So, you bought the parenting course or workshop with the script, you went through it. And then what?
1. You learned something new! YAY!
2. You felt validated that parenting is really hard!
3. You tried your hand at implementing a skill and it felt some kind of way…
4. You felt ostracized because “there is no way this will work for my child.”
5. You felt less than capable suited up with information but little to no support with implementation.
6. You realized your child might not be developing typically and that you need more help.
7. You felt isolated. You felt like the only parent struggling and “every other parents just can take a course and figure it out.”
I hope that you are learning something new in these programs, I do. I also have years of clinical training and I also know that there is a gap here in which well-intentioned clinicians may be failing you. To be able to implement something so new, and to do so consistently, it most often requires support and practice.
The question is, how do we bridge the gap between a supposed-to-make-it-easy script into a world in which you as a parent have the support that you need and want?
My wish for you is that you develop the skill to PICK-YOUR-OWN-PATH so that you know what options you have. There is absolutely no one way to parent and a cookie cutter parenting class that scripts parenting for you might not be helpful (it also might be your saving grace if it’s the path you like best).
For a PICK-YOUR-OWN-PATH model to work, you need …
1. A functional understanding of the evidence-based options to choose from.
2. Learn how to see a behavior as communication instead of a behavior
3. Practice skills with live feedback.
4. Practice adult regulation (dysregulated adults cannot regulated dysregulated children)
5. Feel empowered and supported to choose a path with confidence
6. Be confident in knowing plan B is right behind you when Plan A does not quite feel right.
To get you started, let’s start with #3…the basics of PRIDE skills.
Generally, evidence-based behavioral protocols in a therapeutic setting use principles as a primary guide: positive praise, selective attention, discussions on reward and punishment, parental regulation, and child regulation techniques. In no uncertain terms, these is hard to implement without support and often times, social media skews the usage of these tools and we end up twisted and trying something that is no longer evidence-based (whoops!).
While these concepts are complex and deserve great detail and training to be provided effectively, the PRIDE skills (pulled from PCIT) are a great place to start at home (and no, I do not expect you go be able to just start using these after you read them once). These skills come directly from a therapy called Parent Child Interaction Therapy which is a highly evidence-based therapy to help children who struggle with regulation, trouble listening, defiant behavior, big emotions, tantrums, hyperactivity, inattention, and aggressive behaviors. PCIT is a wonderful treatment to help children increase attention span, increase regulation ability, increase self-efficacy, increase feelings of security to caregivers, increase listening, decrease caregiver frustration, decrease negative attention-seeking behaviors and more. PCIT services children ages 2.5 to 7 years of age with the caregiver in every session.
You can find out more about PCIT here on the website.
PRIDE SKILLS (Watch the BEYOND SCRIPTS workshop for more information on PRIDE skills!
P - Labeled praise
R - Reflect/Repeat
I - Imitate
D - Describe
E - Enjoy
How can these skills help the typical parent and why do they work?
PRIDE skills help adults enter the language and perspective of the child. PRIDE skills give us the permission to slow down, watch and listen, increase presence, and practice our own regulations techniques. Children tend to need a more specific kind of presence than an adult does and PRIDE skills are a gateway to allowing the adult brain to learn how to be present for our children, in their language.
As parents master new evidence-based skills, the development of confidence in a pick-your-own-path from a regulation toolbox is critical to parental empowerment. Allowing skills to work for you is going to feel more authentic than following one script for all situations. You and your child are complex beings which means the toolbox can and should grow to meet you where you are.
Now, you may be wondering if a basic options or a workshop with some skills practice is effective for your family…this is worth considering and is a great question! It might be enough and most families find that they need or want additional support. It all depends on the level of demand in your home, your own history as an individual, how much change you want to make and how you want to FEEL in your parenting.
In my opinion, all parents benefit from some level of live skills training for multiple reasons. Practice helps, and also, every parent and child are different, you deserve help to find the right approach for your family that is aligned with your cultural and family values.
My team at the Child and Family Learning Lab (Eleanor Ezell Consulting LLC @growlittleminds) is bringing in a colleague and parenting expert, Dr. Amy Nasamran (Atlas Psychology Collective @atlaspsychology) to bring you a workshop called “Beyond Scripts: Evidence-based Skills to Support Child Behavior.” In the workshop, we give you more than a one size fits all script and a comprehensive understanding to better benefit your family. We teach you how to understand behavior, what verbiage options you have and how to apply the options in a functional manner. In the workshop, we will have live feedback and Q&A for live attendees.
You can sign up for the workshop here: Click here to Purchase Beyond Scripts Workshop
Disclosure:
Child and Family Learning Lab is powered by our sister company and hosted on Instagram @growlittleminds.
In the Learning Lab parents and families can receive consultation services on their own, or in groups, attend workshops or join Membership to build healthier relationships with their families and community. The Learning Lab is powered by evidence-based strategy and intervention providing digestible content synthesized from research for your daily use. We have monthly workshops help you and your family find your values, skill, and balance. You deserve to feel confident in your parenting choices and The Learning Lab is here to support you.
The Child and Family Learning Lab brings experts from across the country together to support you. By engaging with the Child and Family Learning Lab Services you are acknowledging that learning is not a replacement for clinical care and is explicitly non-clinical in nature. Due to the sensitive or personal nature of subject matter that may arise during consultations, workshops and learning environments between consultant and consultee, or groups, consultee shall not hold consultant responsible for any advice or consultation associated with such subject matter, it being acknowledged that no clinical advice or opinions have or will be issued in connection therewith. In groups, we cannot guarantee that shared information will stay secure due to the nature of group format. As a non-clinical consultation, consultant is not bound by the laws of HIPAA. However, consultant will use best efforts to keep personal information of the consultee private. In group format, sessions are recorded so we cannot guarantee confidentiality. The consultee/attendee accepts full responsibility for their own, and their families, mental health and medical care within the Learning Lab.